Almost 10% of school age children are the victims
of a bully. Bullying is most common by the second
grade and then supposedly declines by the high
school years. Bullying can be either physical
or verbal, and can range from mild teasing to
pushing and hitting.
Victims of bullies are usually stereotyped
as being loners, passive, quiet, sensitive,
anxious, with low self esteem and they are
often smaller and/or weaker than other children of
the same age and may come from an overprotective
home. More importantly, they usually react
to bullying by crying, acting out or withdrawing.
Some victims may actually bring on the bullying
attack by teasing or provoking a bully. Being
the victim of a bully can lead to your child
avoiding school, and developing fear and
anxiety about going to school. It can also
cause your child to feel insecure and have
feelings of low self worth and poor self-esteem
and can ultimately lead to depression and/or
violence, either against himself or against
the bully.
Because victims of bullies often do not seek
help or confide in anyone about the bullying,
either because of shame or embarrassment or
fear that it will be worse if the bully finds
out, it is important to look for signs in your
children. School avoidance behaviors, especially
chronic nonspecific complaints, such as headaches
or stomachaches, or they may have trouble sleeping.
Also, if your child seems afraid or anxious
about going to school, has a change in his
personality or his behavior, or a change in
his grades, you should consider that he may
be a victim of a bully at school, especially
if he fits the stereotypes described above.
If you suspect that your child may be a victim
of a bully, you can ask him if he is being
teased at school, or ask more open-ended questions,
such as 'What do you like to do at recess?' or
'at lunchtime?'
Children are most often bullied at school,
usually on the playground or at lunchtime when
children are more likely to have minimal supervision,
or it may occur in the hallways between classes or
on the school bus. In any situation, the better
supervised children are, the less likely that
bullying will occur.
Children who are bullies may have problems
with low self-esteem, but newer theories argue
that bullies are driven more by a desire to
have power over others and to be 'in control'
than because they have poor self-esteem and
that they have little empathy for their victims.
They may also be aggressive, bossy, controlling,
have a low level of self control, and have
difficulty making friends. Bullies are also
more likely to develop criminal behaviors as
adults.
While this may help you understand why a bully
acts the way he does, this doesn't necessarily
help your child deal with the problem. Things
that you should avoid include teaching your
child to fight back, since he may get hurt
and it may also get him in trouble at school,
but that doesn't mean that you can't teach
your child to be assertive and to show self-confidence.
Parents often turn to enrolling their children
in a martial arts class, and while this can
be helpful to build his self-esteem and help
him be more assertive, the aim of the classes
should not be so that he can fight back.
It may also help to talk with school officials
about the problem (so that they can better
supervise your child, observe the bully and
intervene when necessary) and teach your child to
not respond too strongly to the bully (either
by crying or giving in to demands), because
the bully is more likely to continue bullying
your child if he knows that he will get a response.
It may also help to schedule a meeting between
the parents of the children involved and school
officials.
You can teach your child to walk away (but
while staying calm and not running), tell the
bully to stop and leave him alone, or to use
humor and come up with a good comeback when
a bully teases him. It can also help if your
child has high self-esteem and if he has some
strong friendships, so that he is less of a
target. Teaching your child to make eye contact
with others (especially the bully) and to talk
with a strong voice may also help. Role playing
situations where he is bullied may be helpful
in teaching how to respond.
It is also important for the bully to understand
that bullying is not acceptable and will not
be tolerated. If the bullying behavior or other
aggressive behaviors persist, then he may need
to see a child psychologist for further help.
Also keep in mind that while bullying most
often involves boys (both as the bully and
victim), girls can also be the victim of bullying
and they may bully other children (usually
with gossip or isolating someone socially,
instead of physical bullying).
It may also help to educate all children about
bullying and its consequences. Even if your
child is not a victim of a bully, you can teach
him to inform an adult if he sees a child being
bullied.
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